Despite my best intentions sometimes you’ve got to cut loose and last night was no exception. What was originally scheduled was a run and then a chilled evening, however that went flying out the window when I heard the tempting whisper of alcohol. If anyone stumbles upon my willpower, please give me a shout? Cheers.
So my thought pattern yesterday was, like always, fairly sporadic but something that I have been dwelling on a lot is those pesky feelings of romantic entanglement. Due to my mood changing more the Xtina’s weight I’m getting caught up in a flurry of intense, lovey feelings a lot before they eventually subside and burst into a pile of ash and I’m left in a state of flux and confusion. I want so badly to meet someone, to feel that spark, that click. And although I have met people and there are guys I’m interested in, it never quite pans out because I’ve simply not felt that flame, y’know?
I want to meet someone that I equal parts want to kiss and punch at the same time. I’m not asking for a heavy dramatic, My Chemical Romance style love vibe to wash over me, but I’d like something that will shake my world a little bit. Give me a challenge, make me relate songs to them or talk about them a lot. The basic bitch annoying shit. Over the last week I thought I was having these feelings for someone but today they’ve packed up and moved out and yet again my heart is left homeless…#deep
I’m having major heart palpitations over the need to meet someone (well actually I’m having them over most things, even getting the bus, but this especially is bothering me right now.) Poor passers-by are being scrutinized and measured up as would be suitors whilst I gawk at them shamelessly in the street. ‘Would he be a good husband? Imagine our kids?’ I even imagine us taking road trips whilst rapping perfectly to Nicki together: ‘I’m a bad bitch, I’m a c*nt!’
I don’t even have a biological clock but I can sure as fuck hear the bastard ticking. Everyone says you can’t force it; that you’ll meet someone when it’s time. But time passes, and quite quickly, and say I get too old, too ugly? That I’m not able to maintain a slim figure or get away with stylish clothes? My biggest fear is turning into those older men that prowl Grindr and Glasgow gay clubs praying on younger guys. Nothing against age gaps, if you like someone then go for it it’s just a number, but I’d rather not suffer the indignity of being perpetually shot down by someone young enough to be my son.
It’s hard to find someone that’s who they say they are seeing as how I meet most guys is through social media or random Polo winching. It’s a sad fact but the only way to get conversations out of most guys on Grindr is by changing my picture to something ‘raunchy’ and I hate doing that. Sure the attention is weirdly flattering, but I’d prefer to maintain a modicum of self-respect and dignity. Besides the guys that those photos draw in aren’t really the ones you take home for Sunday dinner. “So, how did you two meet?” Well, he saw my virtually naked photo on Grindr and send the squirt emoji several times followed by the word ‘Hot’ and it was love ever since. Um, it’s a no from me.
My problem is I’m very obsequious when it comes to potentially dating someone. As I mentioned before I’m always looking for a spark but I’m also always looking forward and hunting for flaws. Now whether that’s a subconscious attempt at sabotaging my own happiness I don’t know. I was a hefty goth back in the day, so some of those vibes probably still linger. LOL. No. I wanted so badly for the guy I’ve had feelings for of late to develop further. It wouldn’t have worked out, I’m very much not his type, but it would be nice to know I’ve still got a remanence of love left in my bones.
I guess I’ll just have to take the cliché and run with it: I’ll meet someone when the times right. That said, I’m very inpatient so time better hurry up.