“Daddy, what’s a Eurovision?” “It’s a noun. Meaning a mass of hungover homosexuals.”
There are quite a few stereotypes I do perpetuate, but normally basking in the glittery gay glory of Eurovision isn’t one of them. Until this year anyway. Like a fat diabetic kid seduced by McDonald’s, I was drawn in and I fucking loved it. It was the musical equivalent of watching a high speed train hurl off the tracks and into oblivion. You knew it was going to be sheer carnage. You knew it was going to be an unmitigated disaster, yet you cannot avert your eyes; you need to watch it. Eurovision is essentially self-harm for your senses but the pain feels so good.
For the first ten minutes I was thinking ‘well, BGT has certainly upped its game…I’m quite sad to see Simon has left though’ before I realised I’m knee deep in gay Christmas and I appeared to have glitter in my stubble. The entries, results and voting system had me in a state of utter confusion though. Here’s some comments:
Sweden sounded more British than the UK’s entry, which was a colossal let down in itself. Our pair looked like they were about to go for a ‘cheeky Nandos.’ And who the fuck voted for Poland? Put your hands up. How they managed to leap from bottom of the table to being in the top four completely baffles me. It defies the laws of nature. That said it’s rather inspirational: If they can go from 7 points to 229 then there’s nothing you can’t do. #goals
The fairly controversial win is pretty much dominating twitter right now. Months of GIFS ahead of us. So Ukraine won? I’m sorry, did I quantum leap to an alternate universe where that performance wasn’t terrible? It was the musical equivalent of chewing cotton wool. It sounded like a manatees mating call. If that wasn’t a political win then I don’t know what is. I’d rather have kidney stones than watch that again. I kept expecting Russia to invade the stage but it never happened. Sort of a missed opportunity if you ask me.
*Europe whispers calmly* “Australia, did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire?” I did feel bad for Australia though. Inches away from victory but miles and miles from Europe. Bashed off the top place by some euro-voodoo. Was anyone else concerned about their spokeswoman? Woken up in the middle of the night to be told you’re second place. She did highlight the importance of recycling and waste management though.
Germany, the place where good Eurovision entries go to die. And really guys, you gave Israel 12 points? It was 75 years ago. Out of all the entries though Israel filled me with joy. I’m glad to see Nadia is doing well for herself after Big Brother.
Czech Republic needed to ‘czech’ their pitch. There was a song called ‘Miracle’ which is irony at its finest. Bulgaria delivered a healthy serving of catchy hooks and generic Euro-pop and it was fantastic. They should have won in my opinion. Finally: Latvia’s entry had me pregnant as soon as I saw him:
Over 7 million tweets, 6 million of them alcohol induced, so all in all it was a fairly successful affair. Apart from here in the UK where we once again proved that we are hated by the rest of Europe.