It’s a given for anybody, anywhere in the world, that some days are going to be harder than others. Whether that be physically, emotionally, mentally… Everyone has bad days, and worse days still. I could tell from the go that today was going to be one of those days for me. A lot of people simply apply the mind over matter technique in these situations; tell yourself you’re going to have a productive, positive day then you shall. That’s great if that works for you, but not everybody is fortunate enough to possess that ability. I’m one of those unlucky souls. If I can keep myself up right on days like this, then I consider that an achievement. Anyone with mental health issues will likely tell you the same.
There’s always little tells before this mood hits me. I get very OCD about cleaning. Even if I’m in the middle of another task, if I see something I feel needs cleaned (probably doesn’t to be honest) I need to zap that area with as much cleaning product as humanly possible. Drop an atomic bleach bomb on the room. It is funny I guess; seeing someone suddenly lunge into a manic cleaning frenzy then resume the task they were currently undertaking, but it is really hard for me to control.
There’s also the continual internal diatribe to contend with. Arguing with yourself over the most mundane and irrelevant of things. Choices like choosing a t-shirt or what to eat become life or death situations. I get stressed out about most things, and paranoid about everything else. “Am I walking funny? Oh, God, my hairs a bomb scare. I’ve definitely gained weight in the last 5 minutes.”
The ironic thing is when friends who also suffer from a form of depression or anxiety rattle on about aforementioned irrational thoughts, I tell them exactly that: They are being irrational. I’m sympathetic of course, and always try to calm them down. Yet I cannot apply the same logic to my own thought pattern, nor can I halt it.
My silence will never go unnoticed, and I’ll likely be asked ‘are you ok?’ about seven-hundred and sixty-four times. Each time I give a polite, perfunctory nod and say ‘I’m just tired’ because what is the alternative? Spew your ridiculous thoughts all over someone? How do you say to someone that nothing and everything is wrong at the same time? That in this moment you feel you’d be better off dead as your pathetic existence contributes nothing to this world? That you feel your sanity slowly ebbing away. That in two days’ time I’ll likely be bouncing off the walls, out-of-my-tits on happiness?
Everyone will attribute my mood to something. Work, romantic issues, friends, family, money worries and so on. Truth be told all of them likely are influential factors in my current mood, but none of them are the sole culprit. There’s no logic to it other than chemical imbalances in my daft wee brain. Sure solving some of the issues regarding the above problems will likely alleviate some of the strain I’m feeling, but it won’t particularly elevate my mood. It’s like a storm, it’ll pass.
So to anyone that speaks to me today, or has to spend time with me, if I seem off it is not personal, so please do not take it as so. Just know that I’m using all my energy to battle my demons and keep myself upright. Apologies about the negative tone of this entry. I’m paranoid from now on everyone will boycott my blog…