Sometimes I think I see the world differently from other people. It’s hard to articulate my thought process or how I view situations and events that happen, which is frustrating because people just smile and agree, and as I launch myself into a tirade they whilst back up and start edging slowly towards the door.
For example, situations that others would deem minor and be able to shrug off, I see as miniature disasters. Earthquakes that rumble the entire foundation of my day. Events like the bus not turning up this morning are really hard for me to recover from as it messes with my schedule. And if you fuck with my personal rota then all hell breaks loose. My day is just a series of boxes that I need to tick off.
I’ve always been that way, but the ironic thing is that although miniature disasters completely knock me off my game, I can handle other people’s real catastrophes very well. If a friend has a bad turn, accident, troubling breakup or really low day I’m immediately able to rationalise the situation and try to help them navigate their way through the dilemma. Why is that? Why I am able to conjure up extreme strength for someone else when they are having a meltdown, yet feel myself teetering towards the edge when I’ve ran out of milk and thus cannot have my morning cup of tea? (Which I didn’t actually get this morning either, luckily there is milk in work so I’m having one now. Phew, disaster avoided. Ogre Chris will remain suppressed.)
I’m the same when it comes to expressing feelings or dealing with neglect from someone I’m interested in. If I don’t get a reply from someone I immediately assume I’ve done something to irk them and that they’ve probably sent a league of assassins out to obliterate me for existence. But if a guy was to not reply to my friend I’d be like ‘chill, dude. You’re being mega clingy.’ Yet when it comes to me I certainly am not being clingy, nope. Not me. My theory that they’ve left the country, changed their name and possibly gender all to avoid replying to my text is completely justified and rational. If I’m landed in any situation like the above it sends me into a frantic conniption.
One rude remark or comment on how I’ve done something wrong just totally wipes me out for the rest of the day. Then lately I’ve found myself sobbing whenever this happens, or when a sad song comes on. I’m more up and down than a bi-polar yoyo.