Fat, fem, Caucasian.

I wish people looked like their personalities, it would make finding someone so much easier, wouldn’t it? Think of the time I’d save if I didn’t have to sieve through galleries of fuck boys and stuck-up scene queens to find someone attractive who doesn’t have the personality of a parsnip.

It’s easy for me to say to someone ‘looks aren’t everything’ because it is, in a sense, true. But if I’m not physically attracted to someone I simply cannot go further; be it sex, dating, a relationship, whatever. You can’t force yourself to be attracted to someone – believe be I’ve tried. Now some people will read this and be thinking ‘what a vain little c*nt’ and you can think if you want, know why? Because I probably won’t want to date you either.

It’s the cruel cosmic joke played on everyone by the illusive and perpetual fuck-magnet that is Love. Someone could have the best personality; you adore every inch of their wee brain and on paper it is a match made in heaven, but you simply cannot find an ounce of sexual attraction for them. Not because they are hideously deformed (fuck, that would be ironic coming from me. Pot. Kettle) but simply because it isn’t there. And on the opposite side of the spectrum you have someone you could masturbate profusely over as they look like the embodiment of beauty itself, but then you find they have the wit of a wooden spoon and the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone.

In today’s ever-increasingly weird world dating apps have bankrupt Cupid and punted him out the business; allowing users the God-like power of deeming if someone if up to their standards or not. Swipe left, or swipe right? It’s like that scene in Gladiator when the Caesar has to decide if Maximus lives or dies. Tough stuff choosing if someone is getting flung into the metaphorical trash bag of love or tossed into, or off in, your bed. With great power cums great responsibility.

What’s first thing you see on a dating app? Yes, a picture. Well maybe not, there’s a lot of gay ghosts and faceless babadook’s on Grindr, but in theory yes, it is a picture. You don’t get a filtered snapshot of that person’s personality, no. You get a picture. Normally a half-naked one cause gays like to set virtual snares; strategically placed thirst traps to lure their prey in.

The general mood of Grindr is sombre and elegiac. It’s a graveyard of desperation; the place where Romance went after it turned 50, flabby and bald, to die. You’re just as likely to be greeted with ‘Hi’ as you are a dick-pic. Dick-pics are the equivalent of your cat giving you a dead bird as a gift. I do not want to be ushered into a conversation viewing the externally visible part of the urethra. It is not becoming. I find hard to not dumb myself down on Grindr. “Wot u here fr?” Certainly not English lessons that’s for sure. I absolutely deplore how some gay guys speak to me. Not just on Grindr, but in general. “Hot”, “suck me off?” Um, no, no and another resounding no. No, I do not want ‘dicked’ and unless it is a domestic ‘slave’, then I can do without one thanks. So many gays just perpetuate this negative, promiscuous stereotype and it is so frustrating. Please stop immediately.

For me personally, I find the guys that are most likely to send a flurry of nudes are the older gentleman that roam Grindr. Perhaps is a generational thing, perhaps creeps just gravitate toward me, I’m not entirely sure. Everyone has their own preference but for me someone older than my dad sending pictures of their beer belly and shrivelled up scrotum does not do it for me. Clearly some people are simply unaware that they are getting older; the fine ignorance of fleeting grace. I have no issues chatting away but please don’t bombard me with naked pictures/snaps.

Then you get the unhinged variety of Grindr dwellers. The ones who message with stalker-like persistence and your continuous silence isn’t enough of a hint for them. If I didn’t reply the first 45 times, chances of me doing it on 46th are slim. Then some of them take it further. Clearly unloved as child or touched by their sneaky uncle, they start firing abuse at you all because you didn’t reply. Comments like ‘gays like you are just stuck up cunts” or “you’re just a stupid wee boy. Fucking cunt” and other such tender, beautiful and wooing sentences continue until you click block. Then a week later they’ve created another account and the cycle starts again. It’s like a fucking queer Groundhog day only you may end up being locked in their pantry or hacked up into little pieces eventually.

I feel it’s a sort of gay rule for many, although many more will likely deny it, – be you gay, bi, straight etc. If you are single and you aren’t attracted to someone who is trying to strike up a conversation, then you’ll likely not speak to them. We’re a very narcissistic and shallow race us humans. Deny if you want but everyone has done it. I guess we should work on that, I know I could. Every one gets older; age will despoil us all of our youthful looks. But it doesn’t have to take your dignity as well. God, I’m going to become such a bag lady when I’m older: “Romance is dead, it was all a lie, it’s just me and me cats.”


11 thoughts on “Fat, fem, Caucasian.

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