I woke up in the worst mood recorded in the history of bad moods. The world could erupt into flames that scorched the entire earth clean of life; humanity could perish at the mercy of a fire-based apocalyptic cataclysm and I would literally just stand there and *shrug*. Now I’ve put my current mindset into context, allow me to continue to verbally conk everything, and every one, on their stupid irksome heads and then promptly smash my phone against a wall.
I don’t normally like treating people with such outright contempt, but I’m just so exhausted with never even being asked how I am, yet continuously nending to be their certain people. My phone is a relentless alarm bell, alerting me that someone else is having a crisis I’ll have to assist with. It’s my own personal Bat symbol:
Relationship troubles are hard yes, I know. Sure, you’re battling some demons but you’re not the only one at war. How much sympathy do you expect me to conjure up when you make the same mistake multiple times? I’m not dishing out advice for it to simply be ignored. And don’t turn up at my door completely out of your face and act like I should be ok with it. If you’re not going to treat me with respect then I don’t have a purpose for you in my life.
I’ve tried just ignoring messages or calls, but immediately I’m struck down with pre-emptive guilt. What if they’ve been run over? Or choked on something? What if a thug dropped a Yellow Pages on their head? I just couldn’t bear it. So I reply, and feel my life force draining, as I give the same advice over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over… Sometimes I wish I could conjure up a stupidity whirlpool that’ll engulf everyone around me, immediately flushing their existence away and thus sparing me another day of tedium.
I feel as though I could be lying battered and unconscious on the floor – and yet certain people would inexplicably demand hugs and attention from my comatose body. I am so scatter brained right now, and that’s probably a side effect of this medication. I keep forgetting things. Plans, times of appointments, to turn the straighteners off. Factor in the my own mental struggles (which, with the exception of this blog, I rarely bother to mention in person anymore) and it’s really hard for me to find time or sympathy for you all just now. I will always treat people with kind, always. But I am not perfect. Most of my days are bad days are bad days, so I focus all my energy on making sure my low mood doesn’t spill out across the day, that I don’t slip up.
I’ve made a sodden pig’s ear of just about everything in my life, so why anyone would come to be for advice completely baffles me: it’s like the blind leading the fucking blind. My entire universe is essentially one big festival toilet. Try and solve your own problems because my feeble human brain isn’t equipped to house all of your issues as well as my own. I shall give you the same advice I’ve been following lately (so bloody take it): Get some perspective. If something is causing you to fuck up, eliminated it from the equation. If people are being off with you then simply stop depending on people as much.
But text me if you need me. I’ll reply, albeit grudgingly. Oh, I’m fine by the way.