My recent musings have been making me anxious. If like me you suffer from anxiety, you’re all too familiar with the crippling sense of paranoia that washes over you from time to time. Having taught myself to control these irrational thoughts, something that has taken a tremendous amount of effort, I’m now left a new worry: I’m beginning to not care any more.
On paper this is all very good and well; finally, being able to break my mind free from the shackles of oppression is a great feeling. Sure it doesn’t always work and those thoughts are always there, lurking around in the back of my mind whispering things, but over the last couple of weeks I’ve just started caring a lot less. Here comes the irony; I’m now getting paranoid about not getting paranoid – or rather that I don’t care any more.
One win that can come from anxiety and irrational paranoia is that it does make you more cautious. Even when half the time what I’m thinking is nothing short of bat-shit-crazy, it gave me an ability to tiptoe through situations, situations that I’m now worried I am going to end up just stampeding through, completely oblivious to the possible consequences. The way I speak to people is changing a lot too; I’m much blunter, more brutal. Before I’d either shy away from confrontation or at least craft a very tactful and elegant reply, but lately if someone is snide to me I immediately fire back – because to be honest I’m beginning to become indifferent to what they think about me. I loathe myself, so what the hell does their opinion matter?
I’ve snap back at people at work when they’ve been rude to me. A bouncer the other night was abusing his ‘power’ and just being nothing short of a dick for no reason other than he could. Rather than just accept defeat and walk away like I would before, I wound up speaking back to him. OK, admittedly I possibly took it too far – telling him that he was a glorified janitor, not a police officer, and that he was a c*nt, not my best snappy reply. Not particularly proud of my colourful language, but really he was being a dick and why should I let anyone speak to or treat me like that? I could have executed my comebacks with a tad more dignity and grace, but hey ho.
I guess in a way this is blessing. The amount of people I have in my life that I’ve started realising serve no positive purpose is growing rapidly. Some people are meant to remain in my past, I made a mistake trying to repurpose them. I use to literally spoon feed myself excuses for their behaviour or negative vibes. Beating myself up when I couldn’t help them or allowing them to make me feel guilty for it. But now, well, I’m not caring as much. I’d never wish ill on anyone in my life, but at the same time if you’re going to behave in a way I found disrespectful or I get upset by, then I’ll happy show you to door and slam it shut behind you.
Has anyone else had this, or dealt with something similar before? I feel as though I’m currently undergoing a personality transplant. There are still remnants of the old me there, but this new person seems to be taking over. Not in the sense I’m developing a split personality, just that aspects of my current one are evolving, but into what, or rather who, I don’t know. I’d appreciate anyone else sharing their thoughts or experiences with this with me. I need to know that I’m not going to wind up a totally different person.