It’s too warm; don’t make me go outside.

As I type this beads of sweat are trickling down my face and into my eye, causing me to blink like a dizzy cat and smell slightly like ham. One of the reasons I love Scotland is because it provides me with just the right amount of sunshine every year, lets say a week give or take. However, this year it seems insistent on extending this period and as such I am now a sweaty, miserable mess of flesh with a floppy fringe. Sat here, my face looking like a rucksack full of dented balls, leaking liquid from every possible place in my body, waiting for the fictitious thunder storm to hit. I’ve been waiting all week; I want my fucking thunder storm. I am tired of sleeping naked and waking up in a paddling pool of my own sweat.

I wish I enjoyed this weather, if only for the fleeting sense of belonging and common unity with humankind, but I don’t. Every day for over a week mass amounts of my fellow citizens have poured into beer gardens, chuckling with glorious delight; all of them ecstatic because of the weather. Everyone else sees a good time; I see hundreds of day-drunks fucking up my normally peaceful walk. I haven’t seen this much slimy meat since I last look inside a sausage.

I don’t do well in the heat; I look at a sheet of paper and I start to sizzle and melt. However, face the sun I must otherwise I wind up looking ashen and sickly. But you know what else this weather brings? A resurgence of creepy crawlies and the worst of all: wasps. Hateful winged mobile death units armed with a mini-sword that attack you unprovoked simply because they can; flying directly out of the bowels of Hell. Here purely to sabotage your day, plotting cleverly to make sure they wind up on a bus so they can torment you with no any means of immediate escape.

Between the bugs and this apocalyptic onslaught of radiation the sun is pissing over us, (while we are standing with our mouths open, loving life) I am officially over summer. The reason for the lateness of today’s entry is because this heat has boiled my brain, which has since dripped out through my nose and made a horrible mess on the floor. I don’t want to do anything other than crawl into my fridge and slam the door shut. Blah. Too warm.

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