Happiness is something we are all searching for. We look for it in a variety of places, desperate to cling on to even one ounce of it. Some people find it in a home they’ve built; some find it from the love of another. Some look for it through career progression and others through creativity. Yes, we are all searching for happiness, but how will we know when we’ve found it?
When I have low days I always say to myself ‘why can’t I be happy.’ It’s frustrating, but how can I be happy when I don’t know what will make me happy? How can I reach somewhere when I don’t know how to get there? I always think that perhaps meeting someone would make me happy; or that if I didn’t have constant money worries I’d also feel a lot better. I would spend a month’s rent to learn how to be financially responsible because then I wouldn’t have to limp through the month.
Then sometimes I look at the state of the world; the misery and chaos it’s constantly soaked in. Like that mass shooting in a gay club last night, how can this happen? How can we be truly happy in a world that’s so full of poison, of infection, that it seems beyond the realms of saving? By comparison to that shooting my misery pales, I can’t imagine what the friends and family members of the victims are feeling – about as far from happiness as possible I’d wager.
Perhaps technology also hinders happiness. Constant access of tales of worldwide misery doesn’t help us. I am on my phone a lot and it doesn’t allow for any me time, not really. I’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of jabber in the world – it’s a vast cloud of blah. And having constant access to the Internet doesn’t help that. I’ve got enough going on in my head without letting a global voice in too.
Holding onto toxic relationships and friendships also breaks up any chance of being happy for me. Wasting so much of my time on someone, convinced that if I had him, if he loved me back, then I’d be happy. Before I knew it hours, days, months crept by yet my feelings didn’t change; I still felt the same about him. The heart wants what it wants, and like a petulant, spoiled child it won’t be satisfied until it gets it. But is this self sabotage? Clinging to something that’s destined to fail?
Maybe I need to stop thinking too much; stop analysing everything and every situation I’m in. Give my mind a break. Don’t second guess myself, just go with it; first thought best thought. I need to be healthier too. Drink less, eat better and exercise more than I do. All of the above contribute to building happiness I’d say. But I live in constant fear that the happiness I’m building can, at any moment, come crumbling down.