Self-awareness is a truly remarkable and useful trait. Knowing the reasons behind what you’re doing provides much clarity. It helps you make the right choices and protect yourself, and perhaps others. Sadly, not a lot of people are self-aware and when you tell them the truth they don’t like it. Many people find naked, unvarnished truths so disturbing, they prefer to ram their heads in the sand and pretend they live in an alternate world. Lately I’ve been feeling that I am once of these people.
Ever since this medication kicked in everything I feel has a been a lot more intense. Emotions are in overdrive. I’m acting in ways I never thought I would. I’m being reckless, arrogant, selfish. I’m not entirely sure that all this behaviour is unhealthy; I fear I could be on self-destruct. The positive to this new mind set and mood is that I’m not battling thoughts of suicide on a daily basis anymore – which is a massive accomplishment in itself. But what hasn’t changed is the respect I have for myself or value for my life.
So I’m not wanting to kill myself anymore, which was the whole point of me switching medications, so mission accomplished. I can now function like an actual human without being plagued by misery 24/7. One thing that is still the same though is this lingering hatred for myself. As I said earlier how I’m feeling is totally new to me. I’m developing feelings for people, romantic feelings, which I never thought would happen again. I’m emotional all the time; constantly I think I’m going to break down and cry. I have become more empathetic and as such I’m carrying around this constant sadness. It’s all so intense; it’s like I’m trying to make sense of every emotion as they are all so new and raw.
What’s scaring me the most is these romantic feelings; feelings of attachment. That feeling you get when you just love being around someone so much that you don’t want to do anything else. I’ve not had this in years, and it’s bloody terrifying. It’s terrifying because I am aware of the damage this could inflict upon my life, as well as others. It’s all so complicated. I preferred it when I was an emotionless robot, because right now I am aware of everything. I’m aware of my body, the entire world, and the whole reality of life. It’s like a massive neon light is flashing “YOU ARE HERE” in my face constantly. As if someone has turned the volume up on my life. The fact I have these feelings now and they are actually real hits me on the head with a thwack. Surges of clammy and bubbling anxiety take over me. My heart does that fluttering thing when I think about certain people. It’s like I’m in constantly on edge; like the opening stage of a panic attack.
As I said it’s all too much. This feeling human is hard work.