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You’re not exactly open casket material yourself.

I have had way too much coffee today. I am shaking and making weird chirpy noises like a Furby being microwaved. I’m also operating on approx eight hours of sleep over the last 48 hours (hence coffee binge) so my brain is on overdrive and I’m displaying all the usual emotions someone who’s exhausted would display – mainly sobbing constantly, grumpy, emotionally deflated etc you know, all the fun emotions that make me such a hoot to be around.

My insomniac brain comes in various flavours; different personality types I’m forced to share my skull with for several hours. It’s like being trapped in a lift with someone who won’t shut up. Currently I’m trapped with a peppy, ‘fuck the world’ type voice jabbering away; the other is a morose self-loathing cynic that’s compiled a 2,500 page document on my innumerable failings. I need sleep. But the worst is the hyper-aware critic who offers constant and uninterrupted commentary describing which bits of my body aren’t up to scratch, are too fat, and which parts are the sole reason I am single.

There’s that word again, ‘single.’ Creeps up in every entry. Causes me to act out when I’m drunk, or provokes comments or snide remarks from those in my life. That word that haunts me everyday. Single; I am. Constantly single. Go to bed single, wake up single. My life is like a worse version of Twilight (which is just tragic.) I don’t even have people to choose from; I just wait around for scraps of attention to be hurled at me, like some sorta loveless mutt. Perhaps I should just follow Bella and choose between pumping a bat or a wolf. To hell with humans,
It’s magic farmyard creatures or nothing.

So if anyone wants to date me here’s some facts about me: I am constantly teetering on the edge of nervous breakdown, but in a funny way? I love salty snacks, like pretzels or shots of tequila. I’m really into music and art, although I’ve not touched an instrument in months. And if it’s not going to happen then I’ll want it to happen even more. I also make good tacos.

And I’ll just take this opportunity to have a wee dig cause I can: if anyone has any issues with whatever I do and whom I do it with then bollocks to you. Don’t like it, fair enough, you don’t have to keep tabs on my life. I’m too tired to be the bigger person today. You aren’t perfect either, remember that before you cast judgment upon me.

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