Five texts I wish I’d sent.

For some reason I have always been attracted to pricks or people that are unattainable (for whatever reason.) If you ignore me at a social gathering, I’ll probably develop a crush on you. If you read my message and don’t reply, but then Tweet, I’ll notice that too and be further intrigued. As a result, I’ve been left with a tone of things I wish I had said and had done if I were braver/angrier/marginally crazier.

How do you make friends in your twenties?

You’re looking at the guy who whilst having sex a few weeks ago started thinking that both of us would end in the same place at the end of our lives (the ground.) Obviously sensing my sudden disengagement, he asked if I was alright. Have you ever contemplated the mysteries of death and told someone during foreplay that you’re thinking about their one-day dead body? Don’t. It is a bit of a boner killer.

Adapting (#GirlCrush)

So to adapt I had to muster from the lowest depths of my bowels the manliest bark possible, either that or simply stop talking. I chose the latter, as there was a period in my life where my voice was so high-pitched only dogs could hear me.