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Things I’ve Learned That Are Not OK to Say to People.

1.) Whilst commenting on my friend’s unwillingness to hook up with anyone: “We should call you Blow Job *Larry, because you never, ever put out! Like when you call a short person tall.”

*Not real name. 

2.) To my ginger friend: “Have you ever considered dying your hair? No?

3.) To a friend asking if she was the same size as a girl we passed on the street: “Yeah, you are. But you are a different kind of chubby.”

4.) Whilst at a party and someone I’d never spoken to was telling a story: “I’m sorry, but I don’t believe any of that happened. Like, nobody’s life is THAT exciting. Not even mine.”

5.) To anyone: “I voted Conservative.”

6.) To an ex-flame: “Hey, is your brother home?”

7.) To my female friend: “I’m sorry I slept with your ex, but to be fair he was sending me nudes whilst you were still together.”

8.) To a straight friend after he cut his hand: “Have you ever taken it in the ass? No? Well, when you have then you can moan like a little bitch.”

9.) To a bridesmaid on her sister’s wedding day: “That colour doesn’t look good on you.”

10.) “No, of course that blog isn’t about you!”

11.) To an unemployed friend: “You really need to get a job…at least one that can’t be shortened to hj or bj.”

12.) “Yeah, that blog is totally about you.”

13.) After being rejected on a night out: “You’re not exactly open casket material yourself.”

14.) “Just because you’re 9 lbs overweight doesn’t mean you know struggle.”

15.) About a friend’s date (who was sitting across from me.): “Honestly, he is the most boring person I’ve ever met. Is he even good in bed?  He looks like he’s suffering PTSD.  You should tell people he’s a test tube baby to give him some edge or so people don’t think he’s weird.”

16.) To another straight friend: “Don’t be gay.”

 

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