I am tired. I am exhausted. I am begging everyone to stay out of my emotional way. Every morning there is a blissful second of peace, of solitude. There is that moment before the daily terrors start. I long for this moment. I glance over at my phone and look at the mass amount of notifications I have to deal with. The people I have to reply too. The interactions and engagement I could really do without this day, week, month…
Alerts from Facebook messenger; texts and iMessages. 17 unread messages on Grindr. I have to reply to an Instagram comment. Someone else wants to converse, wants to flirt, wants to send nudes. I’ve been on this digital-ride for so long that I am growing tired of it, but for some reason cannot get off. My phone chirps at me constantly but some reason I cannot seem to ignore it. It has fast become my sunshine stealer. More people trying to bleed more attention from me.
Twitter, Facebook, WhatsApp…all these apps do is cause my anxiety to spike. I receive Snapchats I don’t want to open in public because I know for a fact it’ll be a dick pic, or a nude. And even if I don’t reply to that person, another will come. And another, and another. Have some fucking self-respect.
I’m exhausted from trying to prove myself again and again; worn out from putting myself in situations that make me really uncomfortable. I don’t want that from you, or him. Please stop sending naked pictures; refrain from using that moon-face emoji as well. I am grateful for your attention, but my heart is not in it, so it won’t happen. You’re draining me. Nothing fucking irritates me more than when I’ve not replied to a message and the person then tries to contact me via someway else.
And it’s not just wannabe-lovers that tire me out. I struggle with my depression and anxiety on a daily basis. It doesn’t ever take a few days off and allow me to re-energise, no. It is relentless. I am at war with myself constantly. Yet lately all I feel like I am doing is keeping other people afloat. I hate anyone I care about suffering, but sometimes I don’t have the energy to save you.
I probably sound as though I am the biggest douche bag going after saying that; it all reeks of narcissism, I know, but that was not my intention. I am simply stating that I am completely drained by people wanting attention from me, or a friend having another crisis; or from having to listen to someone that want’s to fill me in on every mundane detail of their day. But rather than just ignore them or simply bypass their attempts are flirting, I feel obligated to reply. I feel obligated to reply because I’ve been ignored; I get ignored. I have my efforts under rug swept and side-stepped by people I am interested in, so I know all-to-well the sharp sting of rejection. Knowing that how could I purposely inflict the same sensation upon someone else?
I am tired of having to apologise to someone for taking ages to reply to them, because I simply have other priorities. Okay, that is a lie, because sometimes I don’t have other priorities; sometimes I just cannot be bothered talking to someone. So, why am I made to feel like the worst person ever for that? I wish I could shut off my people pleasing instincts. I wish I could just retreat to some remote forest and gather myself, then slowly piece each part of me back together as right now I feel as though I am held together by sticky-tape and willpower. I am so worn down by everything, and every one. I just need space. I need to learn to be properly selfish, and not care. I am trying to teach myself to not feel guilty when I don’t reply or arrange plans. I need to not feel guilty for prioritising my own mental health and well-being. Sometimes I don’t want to confirm plans because I am actually having an internal crisis.
I appreciate my friends, and any guy that offers me attention thank-you. But just now this is all too intense, so I’m taking a step back from the world whilst I work some more on my book and myself. If this results in me being subjected to judgement or loss of friends, then so be it.