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Missive #1

I’ve been neglecting this blog lately due to my focus being pulled by the book I am writing – and hoping to finish very soon. So, I’ve set myself a five-day challenge. This week I will post an entry laced with extreme honesty about how my day went, what I’m feeling, why I think I’m feeling that way and probably spew a healthy dose of bile about whoever has pissed me off in the last few hours.

Missive #1: A remarkably frank and deliciously blunt list of things/people that annoy me at this current period in time.

People that talk to me like I’m a moron: If I detect even the faintest whiff of a condescending tone in your voice again I will shoot you a dirty glare so sharp that to gaze upon it will sever your patronising vocal chords. I am not a moron, or an ‘idiot’ and I don’t appreciate your Nazi-like regime or overbearing compulsion to control everything and everyone, whilst simultaneously talking to me as though I am a dim toddler. I don’t let my friends talk to me like that, so I sure as hell won’t be spoken like that by someone whose relevance in my life doesn’t extend past this short, minuscule paragraph.

To the guy that tried to body/slut shame me over Snapchat: People like you that make snap judgements are the worst kinds of people. You’re the cancer of social media. So what if I posted a photo of myself online of me in just my boxer shorts. To me this isn’t a big deal – well, it is, but not for the reasons you’d think. Go join the other slut-shamers; gather your pitch forks and rotten fruit, and take your unwanted opinion and fuck off elsewhere. I’ve seen you in person briefly a handful of times, so opening conversation with the word ‘slut’ isn’t really acceptable.Informing me that I have low self-esteem; that I post photos like that for attention… That observation doesn’t really showcase your ability to read people, but congratulations on your First Class Honours in Stating the Painfully Obvious from Blatant University.  Your last line to me was: ‘there’s a thin line between attention seeking and desperate and you cross it often.’ Perhaps I could make jibes and remarks about your ridiculously curly, technicolor hair that often resembles a drunk parakeet? What’s that if not a solid bid for attention?  You look like fucking Bagpuss took MDMA and collapsed in to a dishevelled heap on top of your head. In the future perhaps you should focus on cleaning up the clutter in your own life, and tend to your own self-esteem issues, rather the needlessly troll someone.

Mind games & those who play them: To me mind games are our societies equivalent of The Hunger Games. Only at least the end result of The Hunger Games is probably death, which would be infinitely less painful than trying to work out what you want, who you want, and when you want it. I’m not a psychiatrist, but I’m willing to bet a large sum of money (if I had a large sum of money) on the belief that you simply want what you think you can’t have. Friendship is NOT selective. It should not require running shoes. You cannot just engage with someone or contact them when it suits. Hard pass on spending time with you again or feeding your desperate cries for attention. I do not work in a petting zoo.

Those who voted for Brexit purely because they believe immigrants emerged from the deepest bowels of Hell: If you do not have a political bone in your body then refrain from partaking in political discussions online. You do not understand politics just because you read a post one of your brainless manatee friends shared on Facebook that was probably written by a junkie with a crayon.  Why must everything be so ‘British’ with you lot? If a show or article has ‘British’ in the title, you’ll likely watch/read it with religious conviction. What the fuck is next? The Greatest British Pavement? The Best Racist Bus Rants of the Year? Simply British: The Best Pub Menus. The Job Centre & ME? Bugger off, you morally bankrupt primates. Everyone deserves a chance at a decent life.

People that feel the need to interject their opinion on a matter, when the conversation neither concerns them or falls within the limits of their tiny-monkey brains: Just because you read something online, or a friend told you, doesn’t mean it’s fact or gospel. The internet is great for a lot of things, but providing accurate information and productive discussion isn’t some of them. If everyone just voiced their opinion without actually knowing what they were talking about then we would be in the eye of a perfect storm of perpetual bickering. The moral here: The majority of people should never attempt to communicate.


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