10 Completely Honest Facts About Myself

1) There is no clearer sign of my anxiety over a situation than the amount of commentary I’m doing about it on Twitter – it’s an easy way to (briefly) side-step reality.

2) The reason I will never commit a crime is because the news media will report my height, weight and post an unfiltered picture of me.

3) I am a supposed former infatuation junkie, meaning that I become irrationally attached to someone over a very brief period a time. To the point I even mutter the word ‘love’ to myself on occasion. This habit sees that person’s enthusiasm and interest in me slowly whither to a few laconic, lacklustre replies via Facebook messenger.

4) I have an almost uncontrollable need to apologise for everything. I don’t quite recall the point in my life when this borderline compulsion began, but I can remember not being invited to a few parties in high school which saw me apologise to the hosts for being so weird, for being gay, for being me. I say sorry when I get worked up, I say sorry to people that bump into me in the street. But the fact of the matter is, half the time I am not sorry but rather I am just really angry. So angry in fact that I feel if I don’t simply say sorry, then my horrible rage will explode over someone that I’m simultaneously pissed at but trying to please.  *Perhaps I need to replace ‘I’m sorry’ with an actual expression of my needs and desires.

5) The features I would (and will, future finances permitting) change about myself are my eyes, nose and teeth. I’ve wrestled with paranoia and insecurities over my looks since I was very little. I had surgery on my eyes a couple of years ago to have them straightened but they still provoke comment from some people.

6) Whenever something good happens to me I brace myself and wait for the fall out. If I do something right, I always feel this overbearing mixture of total confidence and acute impostor syndrome because it’s very rare I feel I can succeed at anything, or do something worthy of merit. So when I do, I am simply waiting for it to fuck up somehow – and it usually does.

7) I hate feeling trapped; whether that is physically, mentally… I hate it. Trapped in my head if I’m having a low day. Trapped in a lift or confined space. If someone is holding me down and I can’t get up, I have a panic attack. Or if I am trapped in a job role that has zero progression, which is a problem I am currently facing. Feeling trapped has serious detrimental effects on my mental state. At work right now I am totally disengaged and switched off, because I cannot stand the role and the lack of progression it holds but also cannot get out of it. Mentally I feel don’t feel stimulated which is why I am writing so much to try and shake off the cobwebs and dust balls that are currently cluttering up my mind.

8) If you’ve made any sort of noise whilst eating I have seriously considered killing you.

9) My social anxiety is a lot worse than I let on. I cannot sit still for any given period of time. Even if I am on my day off and trying to relax or have a long lie, it isn’t possible. I will have to get up and exercise or go a run. If I’m watching a movie I will need to get up at least three times and make an excuse to do so. If I’m having drinks with friends I say I’m going to the bathroom a few times an hour because I need to be constantly moving and have brief breaks of alone time to recharge myself.

10) My go-to sad movies are Amélie and Interview with the Vampire. I only watch these movies when I’m feeling down and nostalgic. Amélie for the soundtrack and beauty in the way its filmed. It reminds of a certain memory from a New Year party during my teen years – revisiting this memory brings me utter peace because it was the only moment of my life I felt truly happy. Interview with the Vampire because it is, in my opinion, the perfect presentation of Gothic beauty.

 

 

 

 

  One thought on “10 Completely Honest Facts About Myself

  1. September 27, 2016 at 1:21 pm

    I love this! I chew loud… so yeah…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. September 30, 2016 at 4:42 pm

    Regarding number 8. Does sucking on a straw count?
    JP

    Like

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