1) There is no clearer sign of my anxiety over a situation than the amount of commentary I’m doing about it on Twitter – it’s an easy way to (briefly) side-step reality.
2) The reason I will never commit a crime is because the news media will report my height, weight and post an unfiltered picture of me.
3) I am a supposed former infatuation junkie, meaning that I become irrationally attached to someone over a very brief period a time. To the point I even mutter the word ‘love’ to myself on occasion. This habit sees that person’s enthusiasm and interest in me slowly whither to a few laconic, lacklustre replies via Facebook messenger.
4) I have an almost uncontrollable need to apologise for everything. I don’t quite recall the point in my life when this borderline compulsion began, but I can remember not being invited to a few parties in high school which saw me apologise to the hosts for being so weird, for being gay, for being me. I say sorry when I get worked up, I say sorry to people that bump into me in the street. But the fact of the matter is, half the time I am not sorry but rather I am just really angry. So angry in fact that I feel if I don’t simply say sorry, then my horrible rage will explode over someone that I’m simultaneously pissed at but trying to please. *Perhaps I need to replace ‘I’m sorry’ with an actual expression of my needs and desires.
5) The features I would (and will, future finances permitting) change about myself are my eyes, nose and teeth. I’ve wrestled with paranoia and insecurities over my looks since I was very little. I had surgery on my eyes a couple of years ago to have them straightened but they still provoke comment from some people.
6) Whenever something good happens to me I brace myself and wait for the fall out. If I do something right, I always feel this overbearing mixture of total confidence and acute impostor syndrome because it’s very rare I feel I can succeed at anything, or do something worthy of merit. So when I do, I am simply waiting for it to fuck up somehow – and it usually does.
7) I hate feeling trapped; whether that is physically, mentally… I hate it. Trapped in my head if I’m having a low day. Trapped in a lift or confined space. If someone is holding me down and I can’t get up, I have a panic attack. Or if I am trapped in a job role that has zero progression, which is a problem I am currently facing. Feeling trapped has serious detrimental effects on my mental state. At work right now I am totally disengaged and switched off, because I cannot stand the role and the lack of progression it holds but also cannot get out of it. Mentally I feel don’t feel stimulated which is why I am writing so much to try and shake off the cobwebs and dust balls that are currently cluttering up my mind.
8) If you’ve made any sort of noise whilst eating I have seriously considered killing you.
9) My social anxiety is a lot worse than I let on. I cannot sit still for any given period of time. Even if I am on my day off and trying to relax or have a long lie, it isn’t possible. I will have to get up and exercise or go a run. If I’m watching a movie I will need to get up at least three times and make an excuse to do so. If I’m having drinks with friends I say I’m going to the bathroom a few times an hour because I need to be constantly moving and have brief breaks of alone time to recharge myself.
10) My go-to sad movies are Amélie and Interview with the Vampire. I only watch these movies when I’m feeling down and nostalgic. Amélie for the soundtrack and beauty in the way its filmed. It reminds of a certain memory from a New Year party during my teen years – revisiting this memory brings me utter peace because it was the only moment of my life I felt truly happy. Interview with the Vampire because it is, in my opinion, the perfect presentation of Gothic beauty.