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Queer in the Headlights

I was thinking about it today and if I had charged an entry fee to every guy I’ve brought back to my flat since January I could probably have paid my rent for a month. I’m just recently emerging from a somewhat floozy stage that started a few months ago, and I’m glad of it. Not because I feel as though casual sex is degrading or in any way polluting my soul or diluting my morals; but because it’s made me realise that I am not comfortable with myself, which in order for me to hopefully meet someone in the future I will need to learn to be.

My flat mate and his boyfriend are currently making a home-made meal in the kitchen. I can hear their cute squeals, laughs and other couple-like sounds over my now vicious, and definitely bitter typing. They are sitting down to curry made from scratch and I’m scrolling through Just Eat – a testimony to how ridiculously single I am. But you know what? I’m not overly bothered by this because not only do I hate sharing food/eating in front of other people, but also because if I were to enter a relationship right now I would be doing so out of loneliness rather than desire to be with someone.

I am not ready for a relationship just now, which is probably why lately I’ve always fallen for people who I know, on some level, are not emotionally available or single. So there was never any danger of it ever evolving past awkward drunk sex. No, I am not ready. I need to sort myself and my own mess out before I allow someone else to enter my life and bring a fresh batch of chaos and their own particular brand of crazy. It’s not like I have a queue of potential suitors lining up for a chance to win me over anyway.

Why don’t dating sites have a ‘fuck buddy who also wants to go on dinner/movie dates and long adventures’ option? There’s a real market for that. I may place and advert on Facebook: Seeking: No strings winter fuck buddy. But just one constant fuck buddy. Not a list of them. Please apply within. I think that’s what I want right now; all the plus sides of a relationship without the pesky shackles and crazy emotions that come them. One thing in particular I need to work on is how jealous I get if someone I like talks to another guy. If people actually turned green envy, I’d be a big gay Hulk the majority of time.

Don’t get me wrong, if I meet someone its real then I will go with it, but it has to be real. Too many times I’ve been swallowed up in that moment when you’re totally trashed and meet someone cute and Call Me Maybe makes sense all of sudden. But until I meet someone then I’ll happily work on me. I am not actively looking. Until that point the highlight of my week will be getting my hair cut and eyebrows done on payday so I can look good for my self-pity/masturbation party.

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