I don’t think anything annoys me more than someone who attempts to justify their, or someone else’s, morally floozy behaviour with the excuse ‘Oh, they are having a really hard time.’ It makes me want to shout at the World’s occupants because quite frankly I am over indulging the dumb-ass stupidly selfish sewer rodents that are currently adding nothing but misery to my life. In reality they are merely suffering through the eternal dilemma us non-selfish people call ‘Tuesday.’
A lot of them have pissed me off beyond the realms of possibility, so I’ve composed this guide for people to read in the hope that it’ll help weed out anymore of this nut-sack behaviour us decent people are force to endure on a daily basis.
Just because you’re good looking, doesn’t mean you’re exempt from behaving like an actual human: You know the type; those beautiful people that come charging into your life and leave nothing but havoc in their wake. Like a sexy bull in a china shop. Skating by on your looks is accepted by society and I don’t know why. It’s hammered into our collective unconscious like a frozen nail made of piss into a cabbage: if someone is good looking then it’s okay for them to dick somebody about, lead them on, use them for sex or manically tug at their heartstrings like some sort of bratty toddler trying to get their parents attention. This is not okay, your brainless manatees. Looks fade in time, whilst having a shit personality just becomes more apparent.
Don’t hold conversations in doorways: What is so important that you feel you need to discuss it in a place that blatantly blocks everyone else’s ability to enter/exit the building? Does that step have a cushion on it? Like, what? What’s prompted this clandestine whispering in such a bloody stupid location? Is the topic really so terrifying/important/mind blowing that if the general public overhear it then it’ll cause mass panic? Don’t dish out dirty glances when I ask you to move, because I am fairly certain you’ll have a fit if I accidentally mistake your stupid bobbing head for a football.
Accept reality and the truth of a situation: So many people find bald, unvarnished truths too disturbing. They’d rather ram their heads in the sand and lick the hoop of whatever make believe scenario they’ve chosen to accept. Stop dreaming and start accepting facts and scientific reality. If you’ve heard from more than one person that someone is bad news, they probably are. And when you find out that something you, for so long, pretended wasn’t true is actually true, then don’t then harp on about on about for months on end – because we all already know. Why? Cause we told you.
We all know that one person that moans about every mundane and mediocre problem they have when others are trying to chill out– Do NOT be that person: These people tend to all be remarkably similar. They laze around, yawn a lot, act like God fingered them in the womb. And they all sound like they are chewing bubble gum underwater when they talk. You stare into their moany-shaped faces with such disdain that you contemplating punching them. Whilst they rattle off an ever growing list of ‘problems’, you know that they are blissfully unaware of the crushing despair that awaits them in the futur as they venture into adulthood. Just you wait. The sheer unrelenting problems that will terrorise real adulthood will make your current problems seem like cake.
Don’t invest too much time in trends: It’s the middle of the summer and it’s so hot that I’m either going to get a tan, or my fake tan is going to melt off. So of course I wear summer appropriate clothes to try and prevent the latter occurring. I love the black on black aesthetic, but when it’s scorching halfway through July and people are trudging around sweating like a punctured dinghy’s and dressed as though they are attending a hipster funeral, it’s a hard pass.
Don’t trumpet your sexual indiscretions. To be honest, I don’t really care who you sleep with, or who climbs into that spacious cavern-come-tourist attraction you call your asshole, just don’t flaunt it in front of me. By all means allow your astounding lack of scruples and uncontrollable urges to guide you. Sleep with who you want to sleep with. But if you know someone has feelings for you *cough* then don’t send snaps that weren’t ‘meant for them’ or ones that feature you cuddling with another guy. There is literally no need for that; it’s flat-out inconsiderate and vicious. And I can guarantee you won’t be to so quick to Snapchat your latest bedroom buddy when the inevitable comes pounding at your door and you catch anal warts or something.
Eyes up here please: This statement rings equally true for women as it does for gay guys. Neither of us are objects. Yes, I have a bit of a squint but that doesn’t afford you the right to avoid my glance at all costs – I’m not the fucking Medusa. The amount of times I’ve seen someone’s peepers wonder slightly south towards my groin/ass area is unbelievable. I like being checked out on occasion, but my nether regions aren’t a vacation destination for your eyeballs. So, if we are on a date then focus please on my mouth. Wait, no, I mean the content coming out of my mouth. Fuck…
Do NOT assume that all sex is just like is it in Porn (because most guys don’t take it ‘like a champ’) Yeah, sure, porn is great for fantasying and jerking off. And yes, I have stuff bookmarked – I am so single that it really doesn’t bother me. But if you depend too heavily on the technical or visual then you’ll likely not pay attention to the actual flesh and blood person lying in front of you. Also 9/10 actual sex never comes close to what you see the in the movies. So ditch this idea or we are going to have problems because: No, I don’t ‘like that’; I am not ‘your slut.’ You are not reading out a class register, so why would I call you ‘sir’? And I already know your name, why would I say it repeatedly? Ask your mother to get stamped on her lower back, that way you your dad can call it out next time it’s his birthday.
You have a man-bun, congratulations: I have had a man-bun. I had a man-bun because, due to a temporary lapse in sanity, I thought they looked cool. They do not. The man-bun is not a staple of the feminist movement. It is barely a nod to androgynous fashion. Men have had long hair for centuries. It is a style preference, not a cultural revelation. Please stop attaching political meanings to everything and let me have my Pumpkin Spiced Latte in peace.
You went on a gap-year abroad? Bra-fucking-vo: Forgive my pants for remaining unshitten. Kudos, you went to Indonesia for a week. By all means develop a fake hybrid American-English accent and tell everyone how you had a dose of worldly-culture shot into your veins. Prance about and leave your hair messy, don’t shower, because you’re clearly past the basic limitations of personal hygiene. *rolls eyes* You want my respect, you want a high five? Go to Moscow and march in PRIDE. Go to Uganda and stand up for gay rights. Don’t fucking go to Thailand and think you’re Dora the fucking Explorer because you ate raw chicken and had the shits for a week. You have accomplished nothing. It was a week long holiday. Stop acting like a massive bag of dicks.