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You Don’t Have To Like Me – 40 things I’d say to my teenage self.

  1. That I need to stop thinking with my penis – it does not point in the direction of sense.
  2. No matter who it is, if someone has had way too much alcohol and you need them to pass out, then nines-times-out-of-ten singing the Jigglypuff song will soothe their drunken stupor and put them to sleep.
  3. Hate gets a bad rep, but sometimes it is all that keeps you going.
  4. If you don’t feel comfortable or want to do something in the bedroom, then you DO NOT have too. No means no.
  5. That I have a very obscure sense of morality, but really I do just want to help people. Perhaps my chosen methods are questionable, but my hearts in the right place most of the time. One day in the not-so-distant future you’ll probably find me down an alley, fucking a tramp, trying to put the world to right.
  6. Aiming for happiness is redundant. Shoot for being ‘content’ it’s an easier target and it’ll save lots of disappointment.
  7. You need to work around those friends’ who aren’t very punctual. If they are always late, simply ask them to arrive two hours before the desired time, that way when they are ‘running late’ it is still on schedule for you.
  8. Never turn up early for a party. It’s vile.
  9. If someone claims that they are ‘such a cunt’ then chances are they are a cunt, but for completely different reasons than they think.
  10. That you will meet many people and think ‘God damn, someone should have smacked you more as a child’ and it is okay to think that.
  11. Remember, if you hate someone or something be sure to talk about nothing else.
  12. Sorbet is just gay ice cream.
  13. Friends do not give each other blowjobs. It’s not fun, or a drunken ‘one off.’ It means one of you is harbouring feelings other than friendship, so this activity needs to stop immediately. Stop weaving that tangled web!
  14. Sitting alone in your bed, under the dim light of a solo flickering candle, whilst eating cereal DOES count as a candle lit dinner.
  15. Make your breakups a lot easier by applying a theme to each one. Batman theme is good place to start.
  16. The best way to get a guy is to act uninterested. Start playing hard to get. Ignore them. Start blowing other dudes, become a tranny, guys love that shit.
  17. Whoopi Goldberg should be the next Pope purely based on her performance in Sister Act.
  18. Always strive to be the friend they text under the table, not the boring asshole sitting across from them.
  19. Always make up your own mind about someone. However, if your more than three friends have declared someone you’re going on a date with a psycho, heed their warning. It takes three people to make a non-bias prognosis on someone’s mental state.
  20. If your cat doesn’t get you anything for Mother’s Day is she/he even your cat?
  21. Febreze > laundry.
  22. It is perfectly acceptable to text your friends about how excited you are that the supermarket has a new brand of cheap wine.
  23. Creeping on people you don’t like > creeping on people you do.
  24. To survive working in retail you need the three S’s: Starbuck, sunglasses and sarcasm.
  25. Moist is the worst word in the English language. It is foul and it should never be uttered in polite company.
  26. That I’d probably marry someone if they yelled JUMANJIIII during sex.
  27. Certain people are meant to remain in your past. Do not make the mistake of trying to reintroduce or repurpose them.
  28. If someone uses more than one exclamation mark whilst texting you then you should block their number immediately. You do not need that level of hysteria in your life.
  29. Don’t save someone’s number on your phone until you’ve known them for over a month. Otherwise you’ve let them into your phonebook and thus your life.
  30. Just because something feels good doesn’t mean it’s real or permanent.
  31. The more you give, the less you get – applicable to life and anal.
  32. Waking up and whispering ‘Siri, whose bed am I in?’ won’t answer any questions about that particular one-night stand.
  33. Dignity is a social construct.
  34. Age is just a number, you like who you like – as long as it’s legal.
  35. That I cannot take a compliment. It’s like watching a squirrel indecisively cross a busy street.
  36. Your phone charger is the best ay playing Hide & Seek.
  37. That it isn’t acceptable to be naked in public unless you’re coming out of a uterus.
  38. There is nothing more degrading than when Snapchat’s face-filters don’t recognise you as an actual human being.
  39. The flash notification for your iPhone is not a good idea. Because you will get a notification and you will be getting changed at the gym and they will think you’re a pervert.
  40. Not everyone that wanders are lost – some are simply drunk.

 

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