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Happy Heterosexual Pride day to my cis-het brothers & sisters & western prescribed nuclear families of the world!

In case you missed the latest gust of stupidity to sweep through Twitter, yesterday saw the revival, in full hashtag glory, of #heterosexualpride. So if you’ll all take a moment and join me in offering up some well-wishes to honour this truly moronic landmark of a day: Happy Heterosexual Pride day to my cis-het brothers & sisters & western prescribed nuclear families of the world!

Seriously, bitch?

I’d thought this whole ‘we deserve a pride day too’ malarkey had been well and truly buried but apparently, I was wrong. This is a topic I like to call ‘hot for Twitter,’ a nihilistic trending topic but is filled with an almost cartoonish sense of comedy. As funny as some of the tweets are, both the ones mocking and ones promoting Het-Pride, the fact that this hashtag even burrowed its way into being is pretty damn offensive. As inexplicable as this hashtag’s origins are, it’s fair to say that it’s conception is pretty much due to ignorance.  Here’s some questions for the straight folks out there that think they need this ‘day:’

  • Are you mocked, beaten and/or shot with rubber bullets simply for walking through the streets being who you are?
  • Is your house raided in the middle of the night so you can be dragged away to a concentration camp simply because of who you love?
  • Are you tortured and your cries for help met with laughter from your persecutors, and silence from the countries you plead for asylum in?
  • Have you ever been shunned, hit or disowned by your family simply because you told them your sexual orientation?
  • Are you an asshole?

I may have been born gay, but at least I wasn’t born an asshole. Assholes don’t always know they’re being assholes. Assholes who don’t know they are assholes are the kind of people who tell you that being gay is a choice, that Gay Pride isn’t necessary. They are people who, when in a gay club, are flabbergasted by the sight of two gays kissing and continue to glare as though they are seeing wild beasts in their natural habitat. They are also the kind of cretins that buy into this hashtag. Kudos to the internet, it did good yesterday in the sense that it quickly sprinkled glitter over Twitter and turned Heterosexual Pride into little more than a parody. Oh, what’s that? You don’t like having your orientation threatened or ridiculed? You feel your basic human rights are being violated and your freedom of speech has been gagged? Wonder what that feels like.

A few years ago I would have told you that Gay Pride was an archaic practice that did little in the terms of aiding equality. A few years ago I was an asshole. An asshole that rejected my sense of self and aspects of my personality purely because other assholes had conditioned me to think that way. At the time I did not understand I was an asshole. Now I know the value of Gay Pride; I know what it does and that sense of belonging and unity it wraps you in is unparalleled by anything I’ve ever experienced – including camping out under my duvet with a slab of pizza.

I’m not saying all straight people partake or think like this, but I hear on a daily basis people use the word ‘gay’ in a negative social context; just as I hear guys make digs at their friends for being girly or jokes about them fancying a guy. Just so you know, I don’t mock or attempt to belittle my gay friends by saying they fancy girls – ew, breeder, that’s wrong. I don’t describe something I don’t like by calling it ‘straight’ – Oh, my god, girl. Don’t be so straight!’ or ‘That’s so straight, man.’  If all who do the above would kindly desist I’ll refrain from farting glitter into your eyeballs.

Thankfully if you take a few minutes to scroll through the tweets you’ll see more posts about why heterosexuals don’t need a pride day (they’re actually pretty damn funny.) If you’re straight and achingly proud of it, good for you, but nobody is trying to snatch that away from you. You’re not being threatened with jail and no one is trying to covert you, or ban you from activities like marrying the person of your choice. You didn’t have to come out to anyone because your sexuality is the norm; you aren’t estranged or disowned by your family because you like the opposite sex. You’re fortunate that your orientation is set to default and thus you were spared from a welcoming parade of fear, violence and shame. Celebrating your heterosexual-sexuality in countries doesn’t come with a death sentence. Happy heterosexual pride day, straight people, because obviously the other 364 glitter-free and unicorn-less days aren’t enough for you. Every day is heterosexual pride day, so shut the f*ck up about heterosexual pride and let us have June!

Heterosexual Pride is brought to you by the same bigots that gave you White History Month, White Lives Matter & Trump Supporters. 

PS Although I do not approve of your life style choices, I am here for you anyway.

PS Although I do not approve of your life style choices, I am here for you anyway.

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